Annie learns some gratitude

They're puppy German Shepherds!
The Mum looks just like my Meg, bless.

Things working well right now:

• Doing 2 things I enjoy a day
• Exercising
• Getting back into listening to the Pacifica app's podcasts on Anxiety while exercising

Things not working well right now:

• Trying to understand "doing 2 things you enjoy a day" does not mean "buying 2 things off EBay"

I can't remember why I stopped doing the "2 things a day" concept in the first place but it's working really well.

 I started thinking about this homeless woman S and I passed on the street when we were in Melbourne a couple weeks back for OZCC. We were walking down from our hotel and this woman I'd age at 45ish was sat on the street with a little dog on her lap. My gaze automatically went to the dog & I thought it was pretty sweet that though she was obviously freezing cause I was freezing & I had a huge ass coat on, she was using most of her blankets to cover the dog up. She saw me looking & smiled & said hey, how are you, so I replied & gave her whatever was in my wallet. She told us both to have a good night & I didn't think more about it until we went out the next night & she was in the same spot, dog wrapped up again. This time she said she hoped we'd both had a lovely day.

How can this woman who has almost nothing have such a pleasant attitude? God forbid I was homeless I would have the worst attitude, I'm sarcastic & foul mouthed enough now. I'd be that Cat Lady from the Simpsons. I probably wouldn't be as pleasant or hopeful either.


When I got home to my own bed I thought about how lucky I was to have a bed and a roof over the bed, about how lucky I was there were people I loved inside the house, about how full my stomach was and how if I wanted more food I'd be able to get it easily. About how in the morning I would have a hot shower & more food, get in my own car & drive & the fact that if I needed petrol I'd be able to pay for it. She really made me think about how blessed & rich I was. I wish I'd had more in my wallet to give her.

Then I saw the most adorable boy in a Compassion advert. I sponsor quite possibly the most beautiful little girl in the world, Aminata, through Compassion so I follow them on Facebook to read updates (I'm sure she's going to be an artist when she grows up because every letter I get she draws these adorbs oxen. I also just really love the fact that she chose an ox as her favourite animal, she reminds me of me. I used to carry around this huge blow up dolphin for years when I was little. It turned out it was never a dolphin, it was a blow up plane from Lauda Air. I wondered why it had no air hole) They'd posted a photo of these 2 little boys smiling and one of them, my word, his little smile. It lit up the room and he had the chubbiest baby cheeks to go with it. At first I thought the hell's he smiling about,  then saw it was because the Compassion Centre he was at had just got new soccer balls. That's all it was, maybe 8 soccer balls. But this kids' face was like you'd given him an entire arena to kick about in, the happiest little chap you ever did see.

I felt quite guilty again for tweeting that I felt the way I did last week when clearly my life circumstances are nowhere near either of these guys. I know that's the nature of Anxiety, that it's irrational, that it's neurotransmitters in the brain messing about no matter where or who you are but I still felt like I'd been very selfish. Maybe that's the nature of it, maybe it is intrinsically selfish but I feel like these two things came back to me to remind me just how blessed and lucky I  actually am. So I had a scuffle with a friend in person, at least that friend is still alive, at least we both have beds and food and money. I don't want to be angry anymore, I want to be thankful for what I have. As for this friend well, alls I can do is show love isn't it? All I have to answer for is my own behaviour and I'd like to think after these 2 experiences that my own behaviour would be a little more grateful and a little less inclined to slide down again.

I decided as well as my 2 things strategy that I wanted to add something I'm grateful for each day. Hopefully it works as well as the 2 things! Excercising has been good for me too, I forgot how much I enjoyed running with my dogs or how good it was to listen to one of the Pacifica podcasts while running.

Thanks for sending in some of your suggestions for what you do! I loved reading them and I hope they continue to help you. I have a really cool friend I met on Contiki called L and she shared this poem on her page after the untimely death of the lead singer of Linkin Park. I think it's beautiful and I hope you stick it somewhere you see it often

Walt Whitman

Queen Annie of the thought traps.

Sometimes it takes a good friend to help me recognise when Annie's talking smack. I'm epic at talking myself into a good mood & claiming I'm chill af now & what anxiety, but then as soon as my thoughts leave that comfortable little box they walk themselves straight back into the thought trap. I'm lucky enough to work with a great friend called A who also has an understanding of anxiety and lucky enough to have found an app called Pacifica, both of which helped me realise I was walking smack bang into the thought trap.


As we wandered round Target and I tried unsuccessfully not to go into the makeup, I vented to A a situation that had been on my mind for the past week, let's call it Operation Worry. One where my emotional response was me feeling hurt and wanting to walk away from everything. Even as I said it I knew how stupid it sounded out loud, like an over-dramatic reaction to nothing. But that's maybe my classic anxiety symptom - I immediately jump to the worst and most suspicious conclusion, no matter how irrational this might be. It's a real bitch too - if my boss shuts the door to her office instead of thinking maybe she wants privacy, my immediate thought is she must be talking about me and I must be about to get fired. There's no rational basis for this whatsoever but it's still the first thought that runs through my head. It's a thought trap. This website below has a great explanation and examples of common thinking traps you get stuck in.

Thinking Traps Explained

I was guilty of fortune telling, mind reading, catastrophizing and black/white thinking. Standing in the bright light of Target helping A pick a skin care routine or looking up the definitions just now makes it sound really obvious, but it wasn't to me. I just felt hurt and so I vented  to A, stuck in the middle of the store. All she wanted was a skincare routine!

And I'm really thankful that she isn't one of those friends who'll just agree with me but someone who calls me out on unhelpful thinking. She flatly told me there was no reason to get upset, no logic to it and pointed out I was caught in thinking traps. For a moment I was like "No! You're supposed to sympathise with me and call the other person an ass! Support me!" until I realised that's exactly what she was doing - by calling me out on my thought traps. I mulled over it all the way back to work and started writing this blog post. My response to Operation Worry was illogical then and none of the thoughts currently looping round in my head, dragging my emotions down into the dirt were actually based in anything. I was flashing back to when a similar situation to Operation Worry had happened, using almost exactly the same words and assuming that this outcome would be the same. And while I could now understand these thoughts didn't make sense, thanks to A, I still thought them. I still felt like Paddington dragging his suitcase along the ground looking for a marmalade sandwich.

So what then, if I know my thoughts are in this trap, am I meant to do? How do I get out of it? Telling myself "Stop thinking like that, don't be an idiot," doesn't work. Distracting myself or telling myself to be nice to me doesn't work for long either. I found myself back at work grumbling, doodling on page and imagining the future of Operation Worry, which was apocalyptic. I tell my clients anxiety management strategies all the time but rarely use them myself. I'm so sick and tired of running round these traps in my head that I thought I would try one out, test the water. I picked on a mindfulness meditation for deep breathing and let it play, plugging my earphones into the computer. The tension I've been carrying in my shoulders all day sank away, leaving me with an awareness of how tight I'd been holding myself. The gentle male voice of the meditation told me to notice my thoughts and let them go. I did, letting my thoughts focus on my breathing and before I knew it the meditation was over. Success! For the next 3 minutes until I thought about Operation Worry again. Right, so deep breathing works only for panic attacks for me apparently.

I've found 2 others; Come Back & mental vacations. Mental vacations sound a lot like what I tend to do in meetings. But right now Come Back is working for me; all it is, is saying gently to yourself "Come Back" when you recognise that your thoughts are circling the drain again. I'd love to hear some of your strategies when your mental space sucks!I also believe in being kind to myself which clearly means shop, play Fantastic Beasts Lego Dimension and binge watch Game of Thrones so that's my plan for tonight. 'Coming back' when my head starts wandering. I've also told myself the realization of if my thoughts are right and it does all come to the worst outcome, if Operation Worry turns out to be another excercise in How Many More Times Do You Have To Be Told About Proverbs 23:4 then I can make it through that. It is kinda frightening, but I just need to screw my courage to the sticking place and keep going #alwayskeepfighting.

Of course, I did just go get a cup of tea with A and ended up killing myself laughing telling her how I imagined myself grabbing myself by the ear and saying "cmon you come back!"



Annie hates lipstick

Especially if it's watching Danny Dyer.
Don't say anything.

That's the conclusion I've come to anyway.

My job's pretty stressful and one thing I've implemented for self care is getting out at lunch, either to get lunch, shop, hang with Amber or even to sit in my car and read a little. I don't do it as often as I like, for instance, I'm writing this while eating Pho soup, answering the phone and saying "I don't know" repeatedly to the same person asking me where something is. Pho soup is amazing though! I've just discovered it & I'm hooked now. It's like a giant broth of beefy goodness & when you're finished, if you are a little piggie like me, it makes a Bovril like drink. The noodles are transparent & for some reason this really amuses me.

Today I'm mostly alone so I thought I'd take myself out. We have a Target a short walk away and I've had my eye on this particular shade of NYX lipstick for aaaages. Wrapped myself up in my parka, walked down to Target, avoided the dude in the middle of the street yelling and found myself wandering about in the make-up section. NYX had the shade I wanted (Vintage) It's been sold out for ages so I grabbed it, then saw Maybelline had 40% off. I pottered quite happily for a couple moments, stuck in nothing more than the decision about which kind of foundation I'd like.

And then Annie stuck her head out from round the clearance rack. She leant against the Maybelline stand, arched an eyebrow and said, "Do you really need those? Aren't you a little selfish spending money on yourself? Don't you have car payments? Don't you have rego due? Don't you want to save? Who are you that you can just buy lipsticks like that?" I tried to point out to Annie that the grand total of my make-up buying came to $30 (for 5 pieces!) Annie doesn't care about logic, or rational or any of those kind of words. I found myself looking down at my haul & wondering if I really had any right to get anything at all.

Logic, who doesn't have a name cause he's very rarely heard in my head, pointed out I'd already budgeted for my car payments and my rego was paid, my savings were in and it wasn't really selfish given I regularly bring home 'just because' presents for the people I love. Annie flung an entire shelf of the clearance rack at him while making me put down the NYX gift pack. I found myself with a knot in my chest, wondering if getting make-up was the right thing to do. It was self-care wasn't it? Treating myself a little? The past week's been hectic af and I'm time managing like a boss, so why can't I treat myself a little? It's reasonable, isn't it? Like I said, Annie doesn't do too well with reason.

She's the same with a lot of other self-care things I do; you get into it & then Annie pops up with "Shouldn't you be...." The only time she does shut up is when I'm writing. Doesn't really surprise me that she wants to burst in on this too. Seems like any time I do something for me, she's there, prodding me to get back to paying attention to her. Sometimes I do, but lately I haven't. Lately I've been marking out time for myself to do these self-care things and they're like a non negotiable with myself. I think that's important, despite the guilt trip from Her Indoors, that I mark out the time to do the things I love. I think you can't fill others cups if your own is empty. I think I tell my clients that all the time and never really hear myself say it. I'm a big believer in self-care, for everyone else.

So, taking my attitude of dammit I'm getting self-care if you and me end up in a punch up to Annie, I bought the make-up haul; 1 foundation, 2 lipsticks *Oh the shades! HEART EYES* 1 eye pencil which I hopefully will not use to draw Vasillin like the others and 1 NYX shimmer stick for my Fallout 4 cosplay. I felt guilty, tight chested and sick in the stomach as I paid, like I was doing something awful instead of paying for things I'd wanted for ages. It wasn't until I started walking back to work and thinking about the shades of the lipsticks that everything started to brighten. I'd wanted that NYX one for months and now I had it. I wanted the dark Maybelline lipstick since I saw the advert and now I had it. I'd done alright actually, cause they were both on sale. I started ticking these off and giving the mental middle finger to Annie.

Felt like a little victory. Felt like the more I give Annie the middle finger and do the things I want no matter how sick I feel then she might eventually stop going on about it. I'm not quite sure that's what Dr J meant when he said make friends with her. Though, to be fair, I do flip Amber the bird quite a lot so she's in good company.

Either that or my brain will have robo-lock in the manner of Asimov's robots and completely shut down, leaving me a mindless drone (in which case I hear I have a career on The Only Way Is Essex)

Or maybe, she just reaaaaally hates lipstick?

Emma




Ps. Thank you for all the emails about your own Annie! It was both heartening and sad to find out other people fight with Annie too.

Annie & I

I've known Annie most of my life now I think about it. I just called her different names.

Every time I go see my GP about my Anxiety disorder I get frustrated. I get frustrated it isn't over, that I get anxious about stupid stuff, that I'm taking these meds, I'm doing your silly apps on my phone why do I still have this? Why isn't it like an iron deficiency, where you take a couple iron tablets and it's done? He keeps telling me Anxiety isn't like that, but I've never been one to let logic get in the way of a good argument. The last 2 times he's told me I need to make friends with my Anxiety and at first I thought yeah whatever, mate, but the more he talks about it and the more I realise Anxiety isn't going away, maybe it's time to give it a go.

 

I asked him what he meant last session, do I give it a name and ask it to come round for cups of tea? He laughed, unlike the time I made the joke about dropping a toaster in the bathtub (I laughed. He edged closer to his phone)  He said some people named theirs but all he meant was recognise Anxiety is there, acknowledge it, realise it's going to be a part of today, or that hour or that situation and say okay, so I need to put these strategies in place to work with it. Be friendly with your Anxiety instead of yelling "Don't be anxious!" at yourself. Hmm. I figured I'd try and work out how to be friendly with my Anxiety by blogging about it, because writing is how I get most things out.

 

So, I named her Annie. Original, I know.

 

Annie has been around since 1996 I think, though I never really recognised who she was until 2 years ago. Then I ignored her and did nothing about Annie until last November. Ok, so maybe Annie has a reason to be cranky, poor cow's been ignored for most of my life. I always told myself she wasn't there, that I was just a perfectionist, just *had* to be the best in the class, that I was just "a little worried" because of uni, or work, just "being stupid." I can counsel people with Anxiety, but I can't recognise it in myself.

 

In 1996 we emigrated from the UK to Australia and I started school here. And ofc my accent...I remember that. People asking me to repeat words, or telling me it was actually said "gress" After a couple of months of this low key teasing I changed my accent to become more Australian. Then as I got older it naturally became more Australian anyway. Now, I'll only let my accent be normal if I'm around my very best friends or my family. E.g. I'll say owt, nowt etc at home but not in public. In 2010 a 40 year old woman who should have known better broadcast a message to all the Police cars on my channel at the time (I was working as a dispatcher) and asked them if they could understand my "thick accent." Police car after police car responded back I was fine, they could understand everything, I had a nice voice what was she on about? Some police officers even phoned the station to reassure me to ignore her. I'll never forget how it felt to just be sat there with my mouth open, not sure whether to cry, laugh or smash all 3 computer monitors onto her head. That was the beginning of "running to the bathroom for a minute," when I'd really slam the toilet door and just sit there trying to find out what to do next.

 

Bullying in high school didn't help, but I was able to focus on being academic, which paid off for me. I also have a really strong family for support. And lots of kids get bullied for dumber reasons. I did have a wonderful moment when a bully contacted me on Facebook to add me as a "friend" and I clicked delete and for good measure, flipped off the phone. Not before seeing my bully was unemployed though, as I headed off to my full time job. Karma, honey.  The dispatch role in the Police itself was an okay job, but the team? I would race out on my lunch breaks to my car, drive to the beach and sit there, crying. I remember begging God for a Bible verse that if I quit, I'd find another job and I'd have money to pay for the car I was currently crying in. He gave me a Bible verse of "You shall not die, but live." I quit the same day. He caught me. I worked for all of my degree in a pathology company that asked very little of me and gave me the space I needed.

 

Uni - uni was brilliant. I was expecting to be alone, so I made all these plans in my head that I'd read on my breaks and write. Instead, I found a group of friends and I never did end up reading on my breaks. Those girls did so much for my self confidence those 3 years and they acted as a balm over my Anxiety. I reassured myself the panic attacks were just because I wanted good grades or the clinical office was being a dick. Graduated, got a good position as an RN in a psych hospital and now I'm here, still an RN, working in drug and alcohol, about to graduate as a Teacher. I've worked full time and studied full time, used my holidays for pracs and now I'm done! I'm excited!

Annie popped up around 2013-14, when I changed jobs, had a breakup etc. Normal life stuff. Then she left for a bit and came back in 2016. Why, I don't know. I like my job, I like the team, work is busy but I'm good at time management. I'd booked a great holiday, I only had one subject of uni left. Life is good right? And Annie stepped forward the shadows with a hand on my shoulder. Remember me, she said?

 

Sometimes she's the quiet voice urging me to do better, be better. She's undoubtedly responsible for the effort in my study, or the work I produce, for the books I write and the different projects I have at any one time.   Sometimes she's the screaming in my ear, sometimes she's the heavy thud in my chest that I have done wrong, that this is wrong...even when nothing is happening.

 

Cassandra Clare wrote a description of the Faerie King in her latest book; a man with half his face beautiful and ethereal and the other half distorted and inhuman. That's how I see Annie. Sometimes she's alright & sometimes I want to choke the life out of her with Lucille. I guess what my GP means then is I have to learn to live with her, rather than kick off when she comes over. We've made a little headway, but I'd still prefer she hung out elsewhere. But she won't and I can't keep pretending she isn't in the corner of the room like Mark Pellegrino shouting at Sam Winchester.

So this is my effort to work out how Annie and I learn to live with each other. I'd love it if you read along! If you have anxiety too, come worry with me

x

 

Me, never. I mean I'm happy a lot, but I'm never energetic.