Annie learns some gratitude

They're puppy German Shepherds!
The Mum looks just like my Meg, bless.

Things working well right now:

• Doing 2 things I enjoy a day
• Exercising
• Getting back into listening to the Pacifica app's podcasts on Anxiety while exercising

Things not working well right now:

• Trying to understand "doing 2 things you enjoy a day" does not mean "buying 2 things off EBay"

I can't remember why I stopped doing the "2 things a day" concept in the first place but it's working really well.

 I started thinking about this homeless woman S and I passed on the street when we were in Melbourne a couple weeks back for OZCC. We were walking down from our hotel and this woman I'd age at 45ish was sat on the street with a little dog on her lap. My gaze automatically went to the dog & I thought it was pretty sweet that though she was obviously freezing cause I was freezing & I had a huge ass coat on, she was using most of her blankets to cover the dog up. She saw me looking & smiled & said hey, how are you, so I replied & gave her whatever was in my wallet. She told us both to have a good night & I didn't think more about it until we went out the next night & she was in the same spot, dog wrapped up again. This time she said she hoped we'd both had a lovely day.

How can this woman who has almost nothing have such a pleasant attitude? God forbid I was homeless I would have the worst attitude, I'm sarcastic & foul mouthed enough now. I'd be that Cat Lady from the Simpsons. I probably wouldn't be as pleasant or hopeful either.


When I got home to my own bed I thought about how lucky I was to have a bed and a roof over the bed, about how lucky I was there were people I loved inside the house, about how full my stomach was and how if I wanted more food I'd be able to get it easily. About how in the morning I would have a hot shower & more food, get in my own car & drive & the fact that if I needed petrol I'd be able to pay for it. She really made me think about how blessed & rich I was. I wish I'd had more in my wallet to give her.

Then I saw the most adorable boy in a Compassion advert. I sponsor quite possibly the most beautiful little girl in the world, Aminata, through Compassion so I follow them on Facebook to read updates (I'm sure she's going to be an artist when she grows up because every letter I get she draws these adorbs oxen. I also just really love the fact that she chose an ox as her favourite animal, she reminds me of me. I used to carry around this huge blow up dolphin for years when I was little. It turned out it was never a dolphin, it was a blow up plane from Lauda Air. I wondered why it had no air hole) They'd posted a photo of these 2 little boys smiling and one of them, my word, his little smile. It lit up the room and he had the chubbiest baby cheeks to go with it. At first I thought the hell's he smiling about,  then saw it was because the Compassion Centre he was at had just got new soccer balls. That's all it was, maybe 8 soccer balls. But this kids' face was like you'd given him an entire arena to kick about in, the happiest little chap you ever did see.

I felt quite guilty again for tweeting that I felt the way I did last week when clearly my life circumstances are nowhere near either of these guys. I know that's the nature of Anxiety, that it's irrational, that it's neurotransmitters in the brain messing about no matter where or who you are but I still felt like I'd been very selfish. Maybe that's the nature of it, maybe it is intrinsically selfish but I feel like these two things came back to me to remind me just how blessed and lucky I  actually am. So I had a scuffle with a friend in person, at least that friend is still alive, at least we both have beds and food and money. I don't want to be angry anymore, I want to be thankful for what I have. As for this friend well, alls I can do is show love isn't it? All I have to answer for is my own behaviour and I'd like to think after these 2 experiences that my own behaviour would be a little more grateful and a little less inclined to slide down again.

I decided as well as my 2 things strategy that I wanted to add something I'm grateful for each day. Hopefully it works as well as the 2 things! Excercising has been good for me too, I forgot how much I enjoyed running with my dogs or how good it was to listen to one of the Pacifica podcasts while running.

Thanks for sending in some of your suggestions for what you do! I loved reading them and I hope they continue to help you. I have a really cool friend I met on Contiki called L and she shared this poem on her page after the untimely death of the lead singer of Linkin Park. I think it's beautiful and I hope you stick it somewhere you see it often

Walt Whitman

Queen Annie of the thought traps.

Sometimes it takes a good friend to help me recognise when Annie's talking smack. I'm epic at talking myself into a good mood & claiming I'm chill af now & what anxiety, but then as soon as my thoughts leave that comfortable little box they walk themselves straight back into the thought trap. I'm lucky enough to work with a great friend called A who also has an understanding of anxiety and lucky enough to have found an app called Pacifica, both of which helped me realise I was walking smack bang into the thought trap.


As we wandered round Target and I tried unsuccessfully not to go into the makeup, I vented to A a situation that had been on my mind for the past week, let's call it Operation Worry. One where my emotional response was me feeling hurt and wanting to walk away from everything. Even as I said it I knew how stupid it sounded out loud, like an over-dramatic reaction to nothing. But that's maybe my classic anxiety symptom - I immediately jump to the worst and most suspicious conclusion, no matter how irrational this might be. It's a real bitch too - if my boss shuts the door to her office instead of thinking maybe she wants privacy, my immediate thought is she must be talking about me and I must be about to get fired. There's no rational basis for this whatsoever but it's still the first thought that runs through my head. It's a thought trap. This website below has a great explanation and examples of common thinking traps you get stuck in.

Thinking Traps Explained

I was guilty of fortune telling, mind reading, catastrophizing and black/white thinking. Standing in the bright light of Target helping A pick a skin care routine or looking up the definitions just now makes it sound really obvious, but it wasn't to me. I just felt hurt and so I vented  to A, stuck in the middle of the store. All she wanted was a skincare routine!

And I'm really thankful that she isn't one of those friends who'll just agree with me but someone who calls me out on unhelpful thinking. She flatly told me there was no reason to get upset, no logic to it and pointed out I was caught in thinking traps. For a moment I was like "No! You're supposed to sympathise with me and call the other person an ass! Support me!" until I realised that's exactly what she was doing - by calling me out on my thought traps. I mulled over it all the way back to work and started writing this blog post. My response to Operation Worry was illogical then and none of the thoughts currently looping round in my head, dragging my emotions down into the dirt were actually based in anything. I was flashing back to when a similar situation to Operation Worry had happened, using almost exactly the same words and assuming that this outcome would be the same. And while I could now understand these thoughts didn't make sense, thanks to A, I still thought them. I still felt like Paddington dragging his suitcase along the ground looking for a marmalade sandwich.

So what then, if I know my thoughts are in this trap, am I meant to do? How do I get out of it? Telling myself "Stop thinking like that, don't be an idiot," doesn't work. Distracting myself or telling myself to be nice to me doesn't work for long either. I found myself back at work grumbling, doodling on page and imagining the future of Operation Worry, which was apocalyptic. I tell my clients anxiety management strategies all the time but rarely use them myself. I'm so sick and tired of running round these traps in my head that I thought I would try one out, test the water. I picked on a mindfulness meditation for deep breathing and let it play, plugging my earphones into the computer. The tension I've been carrying in my shoulders all day sank away, leaving me with an awareness of how tight I'd been holding myself. The gentle male voice of the meditation told me to notice my thoughts and let them go. I did, letting my thoughts focus on my breathing and before I knew it the meditation was over. Success! For the next 3 minutes until I thought about Operation Worry again. Right, so deep breathing works only for panic attacks for me apparently.

I've found 2 others; Come Back & mental vacations. Mental vacations sound a lot like what I tend to do in meetings. But right now Come Back is working for me; all it is, is saying gently to yourself "Come Back" when you recognise that your thoughts are circling the drain again. I'd love to hear some of your strategies when your mental space sucks!I also believe in being kind to myself which clearly means shop, play Fantastic Beasts Lego Dimension and binge watch Game of Thrones so that's my plan for tonight. 'Coming back' when my head starts wandering. I've also told myself the realization of if my thoughts are right and it does all come to the worst outcome, if Operation Worry turns out to be another excercise in How Many More Times Do You Have To Be Told About Proverbs 23:4 then I can make it through that. It is kinda frightening, but I just need to screw my courage to the sticking place and keep going #alwayskeepfighting.

Of course, I did just go get a cup of tea with A and ended up killing myself laughing telling her how I imagined myself grabbing myself by the ear and saying "cmon you come back!"