Annie hates lipstick

Especially if it's watching Danny Dyer.
Don't say anything.

That's the conclusion I've come to anyway.

My job's pretty stressful and one thing I've implemented for self care is getting out at lunch, either to get lunch, shop, hang with Amber or even to sit in my car and read a little. I don't do it as often as I like, for instance, I'm writing this while eating Pho soup, answering the phone and saying "I don't know" repeatedly to the same person asking me where something is. Pho soup is amazing though! I've just discovered it & I'm hooked now. It's like a giant broth of beefy goodness & when you're finished, if you are a little piggie like me, it makes a Bovril like drink. The noodles are transparent & for some reason this really amuses me.

Today I'm mostly alone so I thought I'd take myself out. We have a Target a short walk away and I've had my eye on this particular shade of NYX lipstick for aaaages. Wrapped myself up in my parka, walked down to Target, avoided the dude in the middle of the street yelling and found myself wandering about in the make-up section. NYX had the shade I wanted (Vintage) It's been sold out for ages so I grabbed it, then saw Maybelline had 40% off. I pottered quite happily for a couple moments, stuck in nothing more than the decision about which kind of foundation I'd like.

And then Annie stuck her head out from round the clearance rack. She leant against the Maybelline stand, arched an eyebrow and said, "Do you really need those? Aren't you a little selfish spending money on yourself? Don't you have car payments? Don't you have rego due? Don't you want to save? Who are you that you can just buy lipsticks like that?" I tried to point out to Annie that the grand total of my make-up buying came to $30 (for 5 pieces!) Annie doesn't care about logic, or rational or any of those kind of words. I found myself looking down at my haul & wondering if I really had any right to get anything at all.

Logic, who doesn't have a name cause he's very rarely heard in my head, pointed out I'd already budgeted for my car payments and my rego was paid, my savings were in and it wasn't really selfish given I regularly bring home 'just because' presents for the people I love. Annie flung an entire shelf of the clearance rack at him while making me put down the NYX gift pack. I found myself with a knot in my chest, wondering if getting make-up was the right thing to do. It was self-care wasn't it? Treating myself a little? The past week's been hectic af and I'm time managing like a boss, so why can't I treat myself a little? It's reasonable, isn't it? Like I said, Annie doesn't do too well with reason.

She's the same with a lot of other self-care things I do; you get into it & then Annie pops up with "Shouldn't you be...." The only time she does shut up is when I'm writing. Doesn't really surprise me that she wants to burst in on this too. Seems like any time I do something for me, she's there, prodding me to get back to paying attention to her. Sometimes I do, but lately I haven't. Lately I've been marking out time for myself to do these self-care things and they're like a non negotiable with myself. I think that's important, despite the guilt trip from Her Indoors, that I mark out the time to do the things I love. I think you can't fill others cups if your own is empty. I think I tell my clients that all the time and never really hear myself say it. I'm a big believer in self-care, for everyone else.

So, taking my attitude of dammit I'm getting self-care if you and me end up in a punch up to Annie, I bought the make-up haul; 1 foundation, 2 lipsticks *Oh the shades! HEART EYES* 1 eye pencil which I hopefully will not use to draw Vasillin like the others and 1 NYX shimmer stick for my Fallout 4 cosplay. I felt guilty, tight chested and sick in the stomach as I paid, like I was doing something awful instead of paying for things I'd wanted for ages. It wasn't until I started walking back to work and thinking about the shades of the lipsticks that everything started to brighten. I'd wanted that NYX one for months and now I had it. I wanted the dark Maybelline lipstick since I saw the advert and now I had it. I'd done alright actually, cause they were both on sale. I started ticking these off and giving the mental middle finger to Annie.

Felt like a little victory. Felt like the more I give Annie the middle finger and do the things I want no matter how sick I feel then she might eventually stop going on about it. I'm not quite sure that's what Dr J meant when he said make friends with her. Though, to be fair, I do flip Amber the bird quite a lot so she's in good company.

Either that or my brain will have robo-lock in the manner of Asimov's robots and completely shut down, leaving me a mindless drone (in which case I hear I have a career on The Only Way Is Essex)

Or maybe, she just reaaaaally hates lipstick?

Emma




Ps. Thank you for all the emails about your own Annie! It was both heartening and sad to find out other people fight with Annie too.

Annie & I

I've known Annie most of my life now I think about it. I just called her different names.

Every time I go see my GP about my Anxiety disorder I get frustrated. I get frustrated it isn't over, that I get anxious about stupid stuff, that I'm taking these meds, I'm doing your silly apps on my phone why do I still have this? Why isn't it like an iron deficiency, where you take a couple iron tablets and it's done? He keeps telling me Anxiety isn't like that, but I've never been one to let logic get in the way of a good argument. The last 2 times he's told me I need to make friends with my Anxiety and at first I thought yeah whatever, mate, but the more he talks about it and the more I realise Anxiety isn't going away, maybe it's time to give it a go.

 

I asked him what he meant last session, do I give it a name and ask it to come round for cups of tea? He laughed, unlike the time I made the joke about dropping a toaster in the bathtub (I laughed. He edged closer to his phone)  He said some people named theirs but all he meant was recognise Anxiety is there, acknowledge it, realise it's going to be a part of today, or that hour or that situation and say okay, so I need to put these strategies in place to work with it. Be friendly with your Anxiety instead of yelling "Don't be anxious!" at yourself. Hmm. I figured I'd try and work out how to be friendly with my Anxiety by blogging about it, because writing is how I get most things out.

 

So, I named her Annie. Original, I know.

 

Annie has been around since 1996 I think, though I never really recognised who she was until 2 years ago. Then I ignored her and did nothing about Annie until last November. Ok, so maybe Annie has a reason to be cranky, poor cow's been ignored for most of my life. I always told myself she wasn't there, that I was just a perfectionist, just *had* to be the best in the class, that I was just "a little worried" because of uni, or work, just "being stupid." I can counsel people with Anxiety, but I can't recognise it in myself.

 

In 1996 we emigrated from the UK to Australia and I started school here. And ofc my accent...I remember that. People asking me to repeat words, or telling me it was actually said "gress" After a couple of months of this low key teasing I changed my accent to become more Australian. Then as I got older it naturally became more Australian anyway. Now, I'll only let my accent be normal if I'm around my very best friends or my family. E.g. I'll say owt, nowt etc at home but not in public. In 2010 a 40 year old woman who should have known better broadcast a message to all the Police cars on my channel at the time (I was working as a dispatcher) and asked them if they could understand my "thick accent." Police car after police car responded back I was fine, they could understand everything, I had a nice voice what was she on about? Some police officers even phoned the station to reassure me to ignore her. I'll never forget how it felt to just be sat there with my mouth open, not sure whether to cry, laugh or smash all 3 computer monitors onto her head. That was the beginning of "running to the bathroom for a minute," when I'd really slam the toilet door and just sit there trying to find out what to do next.

 

Bullying in high school didn't help, but I was able to focus on being academic, which paid off for me. I also have a really strong family for support. And lots of kids get bullied for dumber reasons. I did have a wonderful moment when a bully contacted me on Facebook to add me as a "friend" and I clicked delete and for good measure, flipped off the phone. Not before seeing my bully was unemployed though, as I headed off to my full time job. Karma, honey.  The dispatch role in the Police itself was an okay job, but the team? I would race out on my lunch breaks to my car, drive to the beach and sit there, crying. I remember begging God for a Bible verse that if I quit, I'd find another job and I'd have money to pay for the car I was currently crying in. He gave me a Bible verse of "You shall not die, but live." I quit the same day. He caught me. I worked for all of my degree in a pathology company that asked very little of me and gave me the space I needed.

 

Uni - uni was brilliant. I was expecting to be alone, so I made all these plans in my head that I'd read on my breaks and write. Instead, I found a group of friends and I never did end up reading on my breaks. Those girls did so much for my self confidence those 3 years and they acted as a balm over my Anxiety. I reassured myself the panic attacks were just because I wanted good grades or the clinical office was being a dick. Graduated, got a good position as an RN in a psych hospital and now I'm here, still an RN, working in drug and alcohol, about to graduate as a Teacher. I've worked full time and studied full time, used my holidays for pracs and now I'm done! I'm excited!

Annie popped up around 2013-14, when I changed jobs, had a breakup etc. Normal life stuff. Then she left for a bit and came back in 2016. Why, I don't know. I like my job, I like the team, work is busy but I'm good at time management. I'd booked a great holiday, I only had one subject of uni left. Life is good right? And Annie stepped forward the shadows with a hand on my shoulder. Remember me, she said?

 

Sometimes she's the quiet voice urging me to do better, be better. She's undoubtedly responsible for the effort in my study, or the work I produce, for the books I write and the different projects I have at any one time.   Sometimes she's the screaming in my ear, sometimes she's the heavy thud in my chest that I have done wrong, that this is wrong...even when nothing is happening.

 

Cassandra Clare wrote a description of the Faerie King in her latest book; a man with half his face beautiful and ethereal and the other half distorted and inhuman. That's how I see Annie. Sometimes she's alright & sometimes I want to choke the life out of her with Lucille. I guess what my GP means then is I have to learn to live with her, rather than kick off when she comes over. We've made a little headway, but I'd still prefer she hung out elsewhere. But she won't and I can't keep pretending she isn't in the corner of the room like Mark Pellegrino shouting at Sam Winchester.

So this is my effort to work out how Annie and I learn to live with each other. I'd love it if you read along! If you have anxiety too, come worry with me

x

 

Me, never. I mean I'm happy a lot, but I'm never energetic.