Annie hates lipstick

Especially if it's watching Danny Dyer.
Don't say anything.

That's the conclusion I've come to anyway.

My job's pretty stressful and one thing I've implemented for self care is getting out at lunch, either to get lunch, shop, hang with Amber or even to sit in my car and read a little. I don't do it as often as I like, for instance, I'm writing this while eating Pho soup, answering the phone and saying "I don't know" repeatedly to the same person asking me where something is. Pho soup is amazing though! I've just discovered it & I'm hooked now. It's like a giant broth of beefy goodness & when you're finished, if you are a little piggie like me, it makes a Bovril like drink. The noodles are transparent & for some reason this really amuses me.

Today I'm mostly alone so I thought I'd take myself out. We have a Target a short walk away and I've had my eye on this particular shade of NYX lipstick for aaaages. Wrapped myself up in my parka, walked down to Target, avoided the dude in the middle of the street yelling and found myself wandering about in the make-up section. NYX had the shade I wanted (Vintage) It's been sold out for ages so I grabbed it, then saw Maybelline had 40% off. I pottered quite happily for a couple moments, stuck in nothing more than the decision about which kind of foundation I'd like.

And then Annie stuck her head out from round the clearance rack. She leant against the Maybelline stand, arched an eyebrow and said, "Do you really need those? Aren't you a little selfish spending money on yourself? Don't you have car payments? Don't you have rego due? Don't you want to save? Who are you that you can just buy lipsticks like that?" I tried to point out to Annie that the grand total of my make-up buying came to $30 (for 5 pieces!) Annie doesn't care about logic, or rational or any of those kind of words. I found myself looking down at my haul & wondering if I really had any right to get anything at all.

Logic, who doesn't have a name cause he's very rarely heard in my head, pointed out I'd already budgeted for my car payments and my rego was paid, my savings were in and it wasn't really selfish given I regularly bring home 'just because' presents for the people I love. Annie flung an entire shelf of the clearance rack at him while making me put down the NYX gift pack. I found myself with a knot in my chest, wondering if getting make-up was the right thing to do. It was self-care wasn't it? Treating myself a little? The past week's been hectic af and I'm time managing like a boss, so why can't I treat myself a little? It's reasonable, isn't it? Like I said, Annie doesn't do too well with reason.

She's the same with a lot of other self-care things I do; you get into it & then Annie pops up with "Shouldn't you be...." The only time she does shut up is when I'm writing. Doesn't really surprise me that she wants to burst in on this too. Seems like any time I do something for me, she's there, prodding me to get back to paying attention to her. Sometimes I do, but lately I haven't. Lately I've been marking out time for myself to do these self-care things and they're like a non negotiable with myself. I think that's important, despite the guilt trip from Her Indoors, that I mark out the time to do the things I love. I think you can't fill others cups if your own is empty. I think I tell my clients that all the time and never really hear myself say it. I'm a big believer in self-care, for everyone else.

So, taking my attitude of dammit I'm getting self-care if you and me end up in a punch up to Annie, I bought the make-up haul; 1 foundation, 2 lipsticks *Oh the shades! HEART EYES* 1 eye pencil which I hopefully will not use to draw Vasillin like the others and 1 NYX shimmer stick for my Fallout 4 cosplay. I felt guilty, tight chested and sick in the stomach as I paid, like I was doing something awful instead of paying for things I'd wanted for ages. It wasn't until I started walking back to work and thinking about the shades of the lipsticks that everything started to brighten. I'd wanted that NYX one for months and now I had it. I wanted the dark Maybelline lipstick since I saw the advert and now I had it. I'd done alright actually, cause they were both on sale. I started ticking these off and giving the mental middle finger to Annie.

Felt like a little victory. Felt like the more I give Annie the middle finger and do the things I want no matter how sick I feel then she might eventually stop going on about it. I'm not quite sure that's what Dr J meant when he said make friends with her. Though, to be fair, I do flip Amber the bird quite a lot so she's in good company.

Either that or my brain will have robo-lock in the manner of Asimov's robots and completely shut down, leaving me a mindless drone (in which case I hear I have a career on The Only Way Is Essex)

Or maybe, she just reaaaaally hates lipstick?

Emma




Ps. Thank you for all the emails about your own Annie! It was both heartening and sad to find out other people fight with Annie too.