Sometimes it takes a good friend to help me recognise when Annie's talking smack. I'm epic at talking myself into a good mood & claiming I'm chill af now & what anxiety, but then as soon as my thoughts leave that comfortable little box they walk themselves straight back into the thought trap. I'm lucky enough to work with a great friend called A who also has an understanding of anxiety and lucky enough to have found an app called Pacifica, both of which helped me realise I was walking smack bang into the thought trap.
As we wandered round Target and I tried unsuccessfully not to go into the makeup, I vented to A a situation that had been on my mind for the past week, let's call it Operation Worry. One where my emotional response was me feeling hurt and wanting to walk away from everything. Even as I said it I knew how stupid it sounded out loud, like an over-dramatic reaction to nothing. But that's maybe my classic anxiety symptom - I immediately jump to the worst and most suspicious conclusion, no matter how irrational this might be. It's a real bitch too - if my boss shuts the door to her office instead of thinking maybe she wants privacy, my immediate thought is she must be talking about me and I must be about to get fired. There's no rational basis for this whatsoever but it's still the first thought that runs through my head. It's a thought trap. This website below has a great explanation and examples of common thinking traps you get stuck in.
I was guilty of fortune telling, mind reading, catastrophizing and black/white thinking. Standing in the bright light of Target helping A pick a skin care routine or looking up the definitions just now makes it sound really obvious, but it wasn't to me. I just felt hurt and so I vented to A, stuck in the middle of the store. All she wanted was a skincare routine!
And I'm really thankful that she isn't one of those friends who'll just agree with me but someone who calls me out on unhelpful thinking. She flatly told me there was no reason to get upset, no logic to it and pointed out I was caught in thinking traps. For a moment I was like "No! You're supposed to sympathise with me and call the other person an ass! Support me!" until I realised that's exactly what she was doing - by calling me out on my thought traps. I mulled over it all the way back to work and started writing this blog post. My response to Operation Worry was illogical then and none of the thoughts currently looping round in my head, dragging my emotions down into the dirt were actually based in anything. I was flashing back to when a similar situation to Operation Worry had happened, using almost exactly the same words and assuming that this outcome would be the same. And while I could now understand these thoughts didn't make sense, thanks to A, I still thought them. I still felt like Paddington dragging his suitcase along the ground looking for a marmalade sandwich.
So what then, if I know my thoughts are in this trap, am I meant to do? How do I get out of it? Telling myself "Stop thinking like that, don't be an idiot," doesn't work. Distracting myself or telling myself to be nice to me doesn't work for long either. I found myself back at work grumbling, doodling on page and imagining the future of Operation Worry, which was apocalyptic. I tell my clients anxiety management strategies all the time but rarely use them myself. I'm so sick and tired of running round these traps in my head that I thought I would try one out, test the water. I picked on a mindfulness meditation for deep breathing and let it play, plugging my earphones into the computer. The tension I've been carrying in my shoulders all day sank away, leaving me with an awareness of how tight I'd been holding myself. The gentle male voice of the meditation told me to notice my thoughts and let them go. I did, letting my thoughts focus on my breathing and before I knew it the meditation was over. Success! For the next 3 minutes until I thought about Operation Worry again. Right, so deep breathing works only for panic attacks for me apparently.
I've found 2 others; Come Back & mental vacations. Mental vacations sound a lot like what I tend to do in meetings. But right now Come Back is working for me; all it is, is saying gently to yourself "Come Back" when you recognise that your thoughts are circling the drain again. I'd love to hear some of your strategies when your mental space sucks!I also believe in being kind to myself which clearly means shop, play Fantastic Beasts Lego Dimension and binge watch Game of Thrones so that's my plan for tonight. 'Coming back' when my head starts wandering. I've also told myself the realization of if my thoughts are right and it does all come to the worst outcome, if Operation Worry turns out to be another excercise in How Many More Times Do You Have To Be Told About Proverbs 23:4 then I can make it through that. It is kinda frightening, but I just need to screw my courage to the sticking place and keep going #alwayskeepfighting.
Of course, I did just go get a cup of tea with A and ended up killing myself laughing telling her how I imagined myself grabbing myself by the ear and saying "cmon you come back!"
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