Annie & I

I've known Annie most of my life now I think about it. I just called her different names.

Every time I go see my GP about my Anxiety disorder I get frustrated. I get frustrated it isn't over, that I get anxious about stupid stuff, that I'm taking these meds, I'm doing your silly apps on my phone why do I still have this? Why isn't it like an iron deficiency, where you take a couple iron tablets and it's done? He keeps telling me Anxiety isn't like that, but I've never been one to let logic get in the way of a good argument. The last 2 times he's told me I need to make friends with my Anxiety and at first I thought yeah whatever, mate, but the more he talks about it and the more I realise Anxiety isn't going away, maybe it's time to give it a go.

 

I asked him what he meant last session, do I give it a name and ask it to come round for cups of tea? He laughed, unlike the time I made the joke about dropping a toaster in the bathtub (I laughed. He edged closer to his phone)  He said some people named theirs but all he meant was recognise Anxiety is there, acknowledge it, realise it's going to be a part of today, or that hour or that situation and say okay, so I need to put these strategies in place to work with it. Be friendly with your Anxiety instead of yelling "Don't be anxious!" at yourself. Hmm. I figured I'd try and work out how to be friendly with my Anxiety by blogging about it, because writing is how I get most things out.

 

So, I named her Annie. Original, I know.

 

Annie has been around since 1996 I think, though I never really recognised who she was until 2 years ago. Then I ignored her and did nothing about Annie until last November. Ok, so maybe Annie has a reason to be cranky, poor cow's been ignored for most of my life. I always told myself she wasn't there, that I was just a perfectionist, just *had* to be the best in the class, that I was just "a little worried" because of uni, or work, just "being stupid." I can counsel people with Anxiety, but I can't recognise it in myself.

 

In 1996 we emigrated from the UK to Australia and I started school here. And ofc my accent...I remember that. People asking me to repeat words, or telling me it was actually said "gress" After a couple of months of this low key teasing I changed my accent to become more Australian. Then as I got older it naturally became more Australian anyway. Now, I'll only let my accent be normal if I'm around my very best friends or my family. E.g. I'll say owt, nowt etc at home but not in public. In 2010 a 40 year old woman who should have known better broadcast a message to all the Police cars on my channel at the time (I was working as a dispatcher) and asked them if they could understand my "thick accent." Police car after police car responded back I was fine, they could understand everything, I had a nice voice what was she on about? Some police officers even phoned the station to reassure me to ignore her. I'll never forget how it felt to just be sat there with my mouth open, not sure whether to cry, laugh or smash all 3 computer monitors onto her head. That was the beginning of "running to the bathroom for a minute," when I'd really slam the toilet door and just sit there trying to find out what to do next.

 

Bullying in high school didn't help, but I was able to focus on being academic, which paid off for me. I also have a really strong family for support. And lots of kids get bullied for dumber reasons. I did have a wonderful moment when a bully contacted me on Facebook to add me as a "friend" and I clicked delete and for good measure, flipped off the phone. Not before seeing my bully was unemployed though, as I headed off to my full time job. Karma, honey.  The dispatch role in the Police itself was an okay job, but the team? I would race out on my lunch breaks to my car, drive to the beach and sit there, crying. I remember begging God for a Bible verse that if I quit, I'd find another job and I'd have money to pay for the car I was currently crying in. He gave me a Bible verse of "You shall not die, but live." I quit the same day. He caught me. I worked for all of my degree in a pathology company that asked very little of me and gave me the space I needed.

 

Uni - uni was brilliant. I was expecting to be alone, so I made all these plans in my head that I'd read on my breaks and write. Instead, I found a group of friends and I never did end up reading on my breaks. Those girls did so much for my self confidence those 3 years and they acted as a balm over my Anxiety. I reassured myself the panic attacks were just because I wanted good grades or the clinical office was being a dick. Graduated, got a good position as an RN in a psych hospital and now I'm here, still an RN, working in drug and alcohol, about to graduate as a Teacher. I've worked full time and studied full time, used my holidays for pracs and now I'm done! I'm excited!

Annie popped up around 2013-14, when I changed jobs, had a breakup etc. Normal life stuff. Then she left for a bit and came back in 2016. Why, I don't know. I like my job, I like the team, work is busy but I'm good at time management. I'd booked a great holiday, I only had one subject of uni left. Life is good right? And Annie stepped forward the shadows with a hand on my shoulder. Remember me, she said?

 

Sometimes she's the quiet voice urging me to do better, be better. She's undoubtedly responsible for the effort in my study, or the work I produce, for the books I write and the different projects I have at any one time.   Sometimes she's the screaming in my ear, sometimes she's the heavy thud in my chest that I have done wrong, that this is wrong...even when nothing is happening.

 

Cassandra Clare wrote a description of the Faerie King in her latest book; a man with half his face beautiful and ethereal and the other half distorted and inhuman. That's how I see Annie. Sometimes she's alright & sometimes I want to choke the life out of her with Lucille. I guess what my GP means then is I have to learn to live with her, rather than kick off when she comes over. We've made a little headway, but I'd still prefer she hung out elsewhere. But she won't and I can't keep pretending she isn't in the corner of the room like Mark Pellegrino shouting at Sam Winchester.

So this is my effort to work out how Annie and I learn to live with each other. I'd love it if you read along! If you have anxiety too, come worry with me

x

 

Me, never. I mean I'm happy a lot, but I'm never energetic.